What I do know is that conflict is an essential part of the nature of relationship.
Relationship is dynamic. Tension creates the impetus for change and indicates where adjustment is needed.
When a couple are in conflict it feels chaotic and complicated because there is a lot going on. Escalating conflict is often because of our unskilful way of working through the tension.
Essentially, in each interaction ,where there is tension escalation there are four truths being tossed around unskilfully, and whilst this is happening, the couple are becoming more opposed.
The way out of the maze is to create a reciprocal calm space to listen and hear the needs of the other partner and get curious until your able to understand and validate their experience. What you discover are both partners unmet longings and hurt. These are the four truths.
Repair happens when someone feels understood in their longing. Dismissal and minimising cause hurt. Revival and connection occur when someone feels validated for their experience of hurt. Being able to consider and speak how the other may have experienced consequences of our unskilfulness allows a real opportunity for reconnection.
Deena as a Couples Communication coach, facilitates these skilful means through conflict to reconnection.